LOG ENTRY #52 – Hold the @!*%* up..

This is my third post since I stopped hobo-tunneling, and if you hadn’t already noticed, I’ve been very worried for the past couple of weeks.

Just yesterday, things started calming down. I can finally see the storm losing momentum and dying down around me.

And so I was driving home, looking out the window – can’t seem to remember what song it was, probably New York by Frank Sinatra¬†– and I went “Hold up..

I felt this sudden urge rise up out of nowhere. I felt empowered after so long. Not because of the music at all, which is usually the case with me, but more because it just hit me that I’m not even legally an adult yet, I’m not even starting college until September 1st, and I do have some of summer left.

I’m still on holiday from life, its just that I won’t let myself be at peace.

I am a compulsive worry-wart, and yesterday my brain stuttered on it’s own ragged, pessimistic commands, begging me suddenly to look up at how beautiful the sky was, at how happy my little brother was for some reason, at how Mr. Sinatra started singing out of nowhere talking about the one city you want to go to so bad that it’s a recurring dream every night.

These moments should come around more often.

And so today I wake up, and I see that I look like death and I am pushed to make an effort on my face. I make the effort to cook breakfast and eat it while going through my YouTube playlist.

I breathe easy, I offer my morning prayers and then I check my Facebook.

There’s nothing at all special about all the things I listed above. In fact you might think they are all such mundane activities. But see – I haven’t done those things for more than a week. I haven’t properly had breakfast for a month. I just suffer from morning sickness a lot and am too worried about something or the other to sit down and just breathe.

I know everyone is going nuts nowadays, and everyone has an opinion and everyone wants to talk and everyone wants to motivate you but you really don’t need to avail every single minute of your life, and do something meaningful.

Yes, don’t spend eleventeen hours on Tumblr. But don’t deprive yourself of Tumblr and greasy foods either, just because you haven’t done that one assignment or you’ve been lazy. Nothing needs to be done so badly that you need to start losing hair over it. I know some people who – in their need to get something done – deprive themselves of television, movies, chocolate. Yes, do that! Please, discipline yourself and prioritize and if you are a grade-A procrastinator employ punishing tactics.

But see, what I did to myself was wrong. I don’t need to overwhelm myself with it all, I don’t need to stop being happy because I haven’t met all my deadlines.

Most important statement being: I don’t need to stop being happy.

Never ever ever do that to yourself. Find your balance, know yourself, and don’t blow things out of perspective.

On a lighter note – did anyone check out Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” video?

The song is ‘okay’, but maybe that’s my bias talking. If I’m completely honest, it was a run-of-the-mill pop track, and the video just caught me off guard. I know everyone has been loving the slew of Swift’s on-point fashion choices lately, which is why I was hoping that style would somehow make it’s way into the concept of her music and videos. I expected too much. All I got was messed up stereotypes in that video.

I’ll probably still listen to the song because its fun. (ish)

This post however I strongly recommend. I couldn’t have summed the video up better.

Live Life To the Fullest :)))))

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LOG ENTRY #50 – A Fresh Start..

I started this blog two years ago.

WordPress just reminded me that six days ago it was our two-year anniversary.

I missed our anniversary.

Its 5.53 am where I am, and this blog post is long overdue.

I’ve been meaning to get back to writing for fun for a long time. A lot of other things have been constantly prioritized over this. though. And regrettably so.

Its August, its nearly the end of my summer, and today is the day I get my O Level result.

I’ve been up since 3 am (ugh) and then saw that it had rained a little and then I thought “Oh hey, that’s a good sign,” and then I heard about Robin Williams.

The rain wasn’t a very good omen, now was it? And it sucks, because rain has always been my good luck charm. Or at least my ‘Don’t Worry No Turbulence Ahead’ charm.

But I was thinking yesterday – I started this blog two years ago, when I was just getting into my O Levels and picking subjects and stressing out over whether Additional Mathematics was a better option for me than Sociology, and worrying over how I would attempt a Math O level exam which would be the culmination of six years of math.

Its been a long time.

And so, I decided to stop hobo-tunneling (which is a term my friend came up for me and my infamous hiatuses) ((trust me, I take social hiatuses very frequently)) and finally get back to writing here, because there wouldn’t be a cooler date to do it.

Its the day I get my O Level result – for better or for worse – and it only seems fitting to come back here, where it all started two years ago.

I also think I owe a certain YouTuber a big thank you, for succeeding in making me MOVE. I know most YouTubers aim to do that and really get tumblr hipsters/YouTube-lovers off of their asses, but most of these guys have only temporarily affected me. Zoella, however, has me up at 5 am, redoing my entire blog and writing a blog post!

So yes, thank you for that video on anxiety and not letting it get in the way of life Zoe!

Moving on, I want to just. Write down here that I will be a lot less uptight about what I post on here. In the past, I think what got in the way of this blog going anywhere, was that I was always very touchy about what was good enough or acceptable enough or “looked cool enough” to go on here. And frankly – that is just not how I am any more. I know it sounds like a whole load of crap when people say motivational stuff, but this shit’s real. There is no point in caring what others think, especially since you are all avatars on my screen.

So, YAY FOR ME. I will write whatever I want, and sometimes it could also be just one word. (tumblr influences in the past two years, you see)

I feel like a different person for some reason when I’m writing this, and I feel really excited to share who I am, and who I’ve become and who I aspire to be.

I’ll be starting with my A-Levels in September, God willing. So far I’ve decided I want to study Economics, Literature in English, Math and World History. Although still a bit shifty about whether I want Physics more or World History.

((Father dear is frustrated because:

“DAUGHTER YOU WANT TO BE A JOURNALIST, WHY IN GOD’S NAME DO YOU WANT PHYSICS?”

“BECAUSE FATHER DEAR, QUANTUM!”

Idek.))

I think that should do it for this blog post.

I really really really really really hope I can keep up this drive and post regularly from here on out.

WISH ME LUCK FOR MY RESULT IN LESS THAN SIX HOURS ohmygod!!!!!

Zoella’s links:

youtube.com/zoella

 

twitter.com/Zozeebo

zoella.tumblr.com